Don’t Talk in Idioms When I’m Budgeting My Coffee

A Heart-to-Heart Rant From an Average Indian Middle-Class Soul Trying to Make It Work

Hello ji. Come in. Don’t bother taking off your shoes, my rented 1BHK doesn’t judge. Come, sit. Want coffee? Can’t promise a full cup, but you’re welcome to the aroma. Because when life’s bitter, we brew. And today, we’re brewing frustration over a very specific grind: idioms.

Yes, those polished English phrases that aunties, uncles, and sometimes even your own brain toss around like sugar cubes in a cappuccino. They sound like they were brewed in a world where rent is optional, avocados are affordable, and your coffee is always single-origin, freshly brewed; never instant, nor budgeted.

Now, I have nothing against language. I love language. But some of these idioms? They do not belong anywhere near someone who’s been calculating per-samosa cost before placing a party order, or measuring their caffeine intake by spoonfuls and their dreams by discounts; idioms can feel like a cruel joke.

So if you’ve ever flung one of these at me while I’m calculating how many instant coffee sachets I can stretch across the week, this is a gentle, filter-coffee-scented plea: please don’t.

Let’s begin with the poster child of impractical advice!

1. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Ma’am, I barely have one egg, and even that was acquired after bargaining for ₹2 off. Basket? My budget barely allows for a plastic dabba. Portfolio diversification can wait; I’m just trying to make my LPG last the month.

Next up, the one that shows up uninvited at every life crisis.

2. “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Bro, the only “glass” in my life is the reused jam bottle where I now store jeera. If I had a glass house, I wouldn’t be throwing stones, I’d be throwing a party. With catered snacks and proper AC.

Then,

3. “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” Oh, there definitely is. Especially when milk is ₹65 a litre and the pail of hope is empty. Crying is cathartic. And when your morning chai plan is ruined, don’t tell me to stay calm. Milk is expensive. And tears, thankfully, are still GST-free.

4. “Penny for your thoughts?” We’re in India, uncle. Offer me ₹20 and maybe a Parle-G biscuit. And even then, I’d like to discuss my thoughts only after you’ve adjusted the offer for inflation, emotional surcharge and GST.

5. “Every cloud has a silver lining.” Try telling that to someone whose plans were ruined by another unexpected Mumbai downpour. Sometimes, clouds just rain. Sometimes, there is no lining, just grey skies and cancelled plans. And that’s okay. Let’s not pretend bad times are always deep lessons in disguise. Sometimes they’re just bad.

6. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Yes, mummy. I know. However, considering how much money trees are generating through urban gardening startups, perhaps the real solution is to plant some. Meanwhile, I’ll keep budgeting my happiness… ₹300 at a time.

7. “Time is money.” Only if someone’s actually paying you. Freelancers, students in lectures longer than Netflix series, unpaid interns, we see you. Time is money, sure, but sometimes it’s also just… lost.

8. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” Which bootstraps, yaar? Firstly, I don’t even own boots. Kolhapuri chappals and system fatigue. Bata sandals, at best. Secondly, this idiom assumes you’re in control of everything, when often the system is doing everything it can to keep you on the ground. Sometimes self-help just isn’t enough. Sometimes what you need isn’t a bootstrap, it’s a policy change, an affordable therapy, and maybe a weekend off.

9. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Nope. What doesn’t kill me just leaves me anxious, underslept, and emotionally overdrawn. Strength is great, but what about softness? Or support? Or a long nap on a cool floor?

10. “When one door closes, another opens.” Sure. But that’s assuming you live in a building with multiple doors. For many of us, it’s the same door again and again, and it’s often locked. And let’s be honest: most days, the only thing that opens is the fridge; when you’re checking for snacks you know aren’t there.

Final Thoughts (Budgeted, brewed, and barely sweetened): Idioms may be old, but that doesn’t mean they’re wise for every context. Especially not when your monthly budget is stitched together with cashback offers, instant coffee, and quiet desperation. Because in a world where even coffee needs rationing, idioms feel like luxury advice from a parallel universe; the kind where rent is theoretical, milk never spills, and emotional resilience comes with a loyalty card.

Because when life gives you lemons, you can’t afford them, so you settle for coffee. And idioms? They don’t help when the only thing you’re brewing is survival. They don’t pay bills. They don’t refill your coffee jar. And they certainly don’t help when the only “filter” in your life is the one on your coffee machine.

So the next time you’re handed an idiom and a budget too tight to stretch your coffee powder past the 15th of the month, just smile, sip whatever brew you’ve managed to conjure, breathe deep, and say, “Uncle, that’s not how the RBI works.” The uncle may agree or not, but at least the coffee will still smell like hope.

Because what can’t be cured must be endured, with coffee.

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