The External Quest Begins Within

Many Forms of Love

Love is a force that shapes identities, destinies, and societies. Often spoken of alongside desire, the two are distinct- love is devotion, while desire is longing. Love takes many forms- romantic, platonic, spiritual, and self-directed. It manifests as devotion to family, passion for a craft, bonds between lovers, and, most important, as self-love.

Oscar Wilde has written, "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." Same as, ancient Indian scriptures emphasize that love begins within. The Upanishads teach "आत्मानं विद्धि"- know thyself- suggesting that true love arises when we understand and honor our own existence.

Yet, for centuries, self-love has been misinterpreted as selfishness, particularly for women conditioned to love through sacrifice and to desire only what is permissible. But the tides are shifting. The modern world is witnessing a redefinition of love- one where self-worth takes precedence, where women dare to desire without apology, and where some even take the extraordinary step of marrying themselves.

Connection or Commodification?

Love has long been portrayed as a woman’s ultimate fulfillment, a promise of completion through another. But true love is not just attachment; it is also freedom. In a world where women are conditioned to prioritize others, self-love becomes an act of defiance.

The digital age has further complicated love. Dating apps offer endless possibilities, yet many find themselves in a cycle of swiping, seeking, and second-guessing. As love becomes commodified, the search for genuine connection becomes increasingly challenging. This paradox fuels the growing discourse on self-love and the radical idea of sologamy or self-marriage.

Sologamy: The Marriage of Self-Worth

Sologamy is a radical assertion of autonomy, not a rejection of love but a reclamation of it. It is a vow to honor oneself first. In 2022, Kshama Bindu’s self-marriage in India sparked fierce debates- was it narcissism or the ultimate act of self-acceptance?

Bell Hooks wisely noted, "Love is an act of will- namely, both an intention and an action." Sologamy exemplifies this, serving as a declaration that women should acknowledge their own worth before seeking it in another. It reinforces that happiness does not hinge on societal validation. The Bhagavad Gita echoes this sentiment: "आत्मैव ह्यात्मनो बन्धुरात्मैव रिपुरात्मनः" (One alone is one’s friend, and one alone can be one’s enemy.) If love is an offering, then self-love is its foundation. Without it, all external love is but a fleeting shadow.

From Chains to Choices

For centuries, love and marriage were deeply entwined with economic survival, especially for women. Historically, women’s worth was tied to the 3 Cs i.e., childbearing, cooking, and caregiving. Desire has long been policed- financial dependency dictated choices, forcing many into unions for security rather than companionship. Women were taught to seek stability, not passion; duty, not pleasure. 

Socrates once said, "The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new." Following that, today, desire has become a force of liberation. It fuels ambition, challenges stereotypes, and reclaims agency. With financial independence, women now view love differently, not as a necessity, but as a choice. Women are no longer suppressing their aspirations to fit into predefined roles. Whether in career pursuits, solo travel, choosing solitude, or embracing companionship, self-love is granting women the agency to redefine happiness. Simone de Beauvoir captured this shift beautifully: "One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman." 

Free Flow for a Holistic Human Experience

Love is not just personal; it is profoundly political. Whom we love, how we love, and whether we choose to love at all are shaped by power structures. Women who step outside societal boundaries- whether by choosing interfaith relationships, same-sex partnerships, or solitude- often face resistance. In these instances, love becomes not just an emotion but an act of rebellion.

Love is, no longer confined to a singular ideal. It is making space for diverse and meaningful expressions. Ghalib eloquently wrote: "इश्क़ पर ज़ोर नहीं, है ये वो आतिश ग़ालिब, जो लगाये न लगे, और बुझाये न बने।" (Love cannot be forced; it is that fire which cannot be ignited at will, nor extinguished when desired.)

Love must be free, unchained by social constructs, and allowed to take its natural course. As Javed Akhtar put it, प्यार एक नदी की तरह है, जो अपना रास्ता खुद बना लेती है। (Love is like a river; it carves its own path.)

Writing Our Own Love Stories

To love oneself is not to forsake love but to prepare for it in its truest, freest form. The evolution of love is not about rejecting traditions but about redefining them to fit personal truths. Across the world, women are doing just that- whether by choosing marriage, pursuing passion, defying societal norms, or marrying themselves. They've come to understand that love thrives when cultivated inward before it is sought outward. Too often, the external search for love is an attempt to compensate for internal voids. But true love does not emerge from lack; it arises from abundance.

To love is to choose. To desire is to affirm. When embraced fully, love and desire cease to be dictated by convention. They become personal revolutions. Love then transforms from a pre-written script into an evolving narrative- a story we write for ourselves. And perhaps, the most profound love story of all is the one where we finally learn to love ourselves first.